Revolution Rumor Report, Credit Guides And Credit Services

Revolution Rumor Report

This is a special report: Nobody really knows what the hell they're talking about.Put the rumors to rest. I simply can't stand it anymore. With E3 coming up in less than two weeks, why is everyone getting caught up in probably the most stupid, unbelievable rumors ever created? I've heard so many contradictory reports about Nintendo's Revolution in the past couple days that now I'm under the impression it can project video games in 3D, make toast, and perform decently well in bed. Some of that may sound a bit absurd, but I've honestly heard it all in the last seventy-two hours. I mean, there are actually dimwits out there that are under the impression the Revolution projects holographic images, citing the Star Wars droid R2D2 as an example of the technology.

Whether these are jokes or not, mostly every rumor I've heard so far sounds so unbelievably implausible, dumb, or a combination of the both that it's hard to believe these links are still being passed around like a village whore that can't seem to find satisfaction. One message board I visited hit bottom by linking to a Geocities website that claimed to have Revolution information. I didn't even bother clicking, because I knew that one of these two situations would occur:

The page would open up, and my computer would then be bombarded with Geocities' ghetto pop up ads.

The top headline would read something like, "Teh Uber Newz."

The author would claim to be an anonymous Nintendo insider, meaning he copies bad rumors from other websites and reposts them in even less convincing ways and with more spelling mistakes.

Or

I'd click the link and be redirected to a gay porn site.

Either way, it just shows how it's not worth the loss of brain cells and wasted time to continually pursue these rumors, especially when we'll find out the TRUTH in a matter of days. This brings me to the first rumor of the night.

Nintendo will not reveal the Revolution during E3.
I'll be honest: I've never shown extraordinary faith in Nintendo and their business decisions. However, while the company is dumb sometimes, they're not complete retards. I guarantee Nintendo will reveal the Revolution during E3. (But, just for clarification, by "guarantee" I mean "I'll publicly call myself a dumbass if I'm wrong.") Nintendo will be dead in the water if they don't show off the console. Hell, Microsoft is already on their way to grabbing the next generation's stoner audience by showing the Xbox 360 on MTV, and Sony really doesn't need a publicity stunt to get people to sell their children for a PS3. Nintendo is currently in LAST place, and they won't ignore the biggest three days of gaming of the year by simply not showing the Revolution.

In fact, there have even been rumors suggesting Nintendo is cooking up a media event similar to Microsoft's MTV extravaganza to reveal the Revolution. I spoke with a Nintendo representative, and he said, "We plan on running a Revolution ad during a regular scheduled showing of Pokemon." Big news! Let's get posting these rumors, dumbasses! Oh, and while you're at it, here are two other tidbits about Nintendo's marketing:

Among their top new slogans is "The Revolution: At least we didn't name ours Xbox 360."

Nintendo is reportedly looking into the possibility of packaging their new console in a PlayStation 3 box. The company commented, "If we're not going to give fans what they want, we want to at least make it seem like we are."

It's reported by me, so you know that it has to be true. Anyway, more rumors need addressing.

The Revolution will be able to make toast.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm bull shit! Again, I didn't expect anyone to believe this joke, but one kid's reply to the toast comment was, "Toast?" That small degree of uncertainty in his ambiguous question mark alarmed me.

Then again, this rumor could have some truth to it when manipulated a small bit. For example, "Next generation, Nintendo's toast!"

Yes, I now hold the monopoly on painful punch lines.

The Revolution will feature real-time 3D projection.
This is the fun part. This rumor has been everywhere the past few days, to the point where IGN (who likes to pretend to be credibility-conscious) even posted an article about it. What nobody seems to realize is that this theory is about as feasible as the console-toaster hybrid idea mentioned above. In reality, there are two ways for Nintendo to achieve this 3D effect, and both suck:

Design special LCD screens

Require players to wear some type of headwear (as in 3D Glasses)

The first option is out due to expense and that Nintendo asserts the Revolution will operate on a standard TV. The second option is also improbable because nobody in a sober state would buy it. First off, using this technology would drive down the quality of the graphics and make Nintendo games look like they were designed by oh, I don't know ME. Secondly, 3D glasses are not going to sell the average crowd on this product. Again, Nintendo is above this thinking (at least after the Virtual Boy they better be). What nerd is going to opt to put on some red and blue glasses while his friends are engaged in the latest Halo game? I don't think many, and others that do are destined to get the hell beaten out of them at school. Just see how I would look in these things:

Sexy. And, since I know you're wondering, the R2D2 idea from the beginning wouldn't work either.

What's worse is that half the people on the internet misinterpret the 3D projection rumor as "4D", or adding a fourth dimension to gameplay. For some reason nobody understands that the fourth dimension is time, not 3D graphics popping out into your face. Or, maybe they do understand this concept but think the Revolution is a time machine. This, by the way, would be hard to work out since this supposed time travel device is going to be backwards compatible to the GameCube too.

It's all starting to make sense!Real Deal?
In my mind, there's only ONE plausible rumor out there: the use of gyroscopes in the controllers. There has also been talk of touch screens in the controllers, but Nintendo has directly denied this. Anyway, I don't see why it's worth speculating at this point in the game. Come E3, there are going to be a hell of a lot of people that feel like dumbasses for believing this trash. But, who knows maybe the Revolution will make toast. Maybe it will require the use of some lame 3D glasses (in which case I would not buy the console). And there's also a possibility that Nintendo decides to commit suicide and hide the Revolution in whatever closet Mario 128 is buried in. Either way, please stop spreading this annoying crap or making it up as I'm sure some of you do. Realize that these "sources" stay anonymous so that angry Nintendo fanboys don't crucify them the day proceeding E3. You must learn to accept that, at this point, nobody on these forums and websites knows jack about this console.

Well, except for me of course. It's really a Giant Red Ball, remember?

Want MORE GameCube Guy? Click here to check out his official website! Send him mail, read his sarcastic responses to your stupid letters, and much more! Go NOW!

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Revolution Rumor Report

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