Credit Guides And Credit Services

How to avoid your student loans: A beginner's guide

Date 4/26/2001 12:00 AM | Topic: Opinion

The smell of manure in the air. Ah, it must be Spring in Iowa again! Am I the only senior who basically considers April 27 the last day of school? I mean, for all practical purposes it kinda is, right? What? You mean I still have three more weeks of school after I turn in my senior paper?!

OK, calm down Pete. What I really need to calm down about is the whole student loan thing. Some of you may not be aware of this, but what us seniors just found out this week was that those student loans (remember those?) well they kind of have to be paid back.

Yeah, I know. It sucks.

While we've all participated in the college ritual of whining about how "I pay $20,000 a year, I shouldn't have to eat bagel sandwiches every day," the reality is that very few of us are paying anywhere near that much. We've left that up to Uncle Sam.

But surprise!

Dear old Sam has gone from the caring, nurturing, cool uncle who takes you to ball games and buys you ice cream to the angry, stinking drunk uncle who comes around every month asking for "a little something to get me through next week."

But really, what's money to rich kids like us?

To those of you who might be a little worried about the future, have no fear. Thanks to the kind, helpful people from Student Financial Planning, and the cheesy video we were forced to watch (anyone seen "Clockwork Orange?"), I've discovered a couple of ways for you and me to scam the government for fun and profit and free education.

OK, first off, we fake our own demise. Heck, if Elvis, JFK, Jimmy Hoffa and Tupac Shakur can do it, so can we. Just pick up an instruction manual usually titled "The Enquirer" or "The Weekly World News" for tips on how to do this. Get yourself a patsy to pin it on and a cheap car that you won't miss after it's set ablaze.

Apparently the government doesn't waste it's time trying to collect loan debts from the expired.

If the whole "living-in-Columbia-under-a-secret-identity" thing doesn't sound appealing, there is another option. Find a young and gullible bride or groom with considerably less debt than yourself, combine your debts, suffer through a few years of a loveless arrangement, and split.

Go to Aspen, Maui, Martha's Vineyard, wherever. Just chill out, have fun, and watch as your ex begins paying off a large chunk of your education.

See, in case of divorce, if the couple combines their loans the debt is split between the two. And the poor sap you left behind, have no worries. They have just begun a beautiful relationship as a "borrower" with the smily-faced people on the exit-counseling video.

And, oh, how wonderful it is to be a "borrower"! They smile and comfort you and tell you that everything is going to be OK, and might even put you in a silly little informercial video to talk about how you f'ed up and blew your new-found income on sports cars, video games, and remaining true to your "Joe Six-pack" roots.

The last, and least appealing option is to spend the next 45 years in a soul-crushing job in which your talent and hard-work will be unappreciated.

That's what I plan on doing ... at least until I find a good plastic surgeon and a comfy Bolivian bungalow.

--

Peter Schletty
Chips Back Page Editor

[ Comment, Edit or Article Submission ]